Raising A Child
by Authors Tune
Summary: The thing about raising a child, is that it makes us confront our own childhood experiences; our relationships with our parents; the mistakes we want to avoid.  It makes us revisit the memories, the good experiences and the ones we could have done without
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**The thing about raising a child, is that it makes us confront our own childhood experiences; our relationships with our parents and siblings; the mistakes we want to avoid. It makes us revisit the memories, the good experiences and the ones we could have done without.

**Warning:** Mature themes discussed

**AN:**Following a long and detailed discussion with a colleague, I thought I would continue to process my thoughts as well as my professional and personal opinion through the utilisation of my favourite Grey's characters. As I do. :-) My interest is little in the debate itself but more so in the negotiation, the fall out and the way we can find ourselves thrown back to the experiences of our childhood with simple questions and life stages. I hope you can indulge my introspect in this (likely) two-shot.

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><p><strong>Part 12**

_Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. _

_(Oscar Wilde)_

"No Sofia! No!" The words drifted through the apartment like an overused record, a song stuck on repeat. Items crashed to the floor and Sofia's brief wail reverberated against the walls before heavy footsteps carved a well worn path from the kitchen to the main bedroom. A mixing bowl tumbled through the open door first, the grating sound of cracking plastic being elicited as it was kicked angrily out of the way. "Here," Callie muttered, holding a now grinning Sofia in front of her and towards Arizona, who sat with a pile of medical journals surrounding her on the bed. "You need to deal with her for a while. If I have to stop her from opening the dishwasher one more time, I'm gonna blow."

Arizona's forehead creased lightly in concern, fumbling as Callie released Sofia onto her lap. She was squirming immediately, reaching and gripping papers, kicking as she tried to manoeuvre herself free. "Use the child lock…" Arizona said with a sigh, wincing as a foot connected with her abdomen.

"I don't want to use the lock, it's a hassle for us," Callie ranted, face flushed and voice pressured. "She needs to learn what she can and cannot touch; we are not going to spend our life removing things from her. She's not too young for rules." She had reached her limit for the day or week, perhaps. Arizona had been spending long hours at the hospital and then coming home to do more research, as usual, desperately trying to perform a miracle and save the most recent palliative child on the ward. The consequence was that Callie was carrying the bulk of parenting; not that she minded, she had certainly had times when Arizona had picked up the slack and ultimately, the equity was there. But the timing with Sofia's newfound independence and defiance was cutting her patience thin. Sofia had run head first into the toddler years, a volatile combination of Arizona's stubbornness and Callie's unrelenting ability to maintain energy. Anyone who suggested that nature was solely responsible for a child's personality had not had the pleasure of meeting their child. She could emulate Arizona's timing of a cheeky grin to perfection, bringing any chastising party to their knees instantly, not to mention an uncanny ability to use affection to her greatest advantage. Chubby hands that tugged on any item of clothing in the midst of being disciplined and the soft voice that would tearfully request _Up __Mama,_ before burrowing into frustrated arms.

Arizona nodded in response, hastily trying to remove items from Sofia's grasp as she escaped and quickly tried to cross the bed. "Sofia!" Arizona attempted, voice loud and urgent, reaching out to catch her ankle before she plummeted headfirst off the side.

"Just get her to bed, it's past her bedtime. I need a shower or something before I completely lose it."

"Okay," Arizona managed to say, gripping the toddler to her stomach and standing up. She exhaled heavily again, catching a rogue elbow across her cheekbone. Sofia started to scream and cry almost immediately, acutely aware that that the term 'bed' had been articulated and that Arizona was the person that was going to force her to sleep. She reached out for Callie, arching her back with tears tumbling down her cheeks, her face scrunching up.

Callie clenched her teeth and shared a frustrated glance with Arizona, the first time in their short interaction that she had sought eye contact. "Enough Sofia!" she exclaimed, voice barely controlled to a firm utterance.

"Just go take a shower," Arizona intervened, briefly trailing an open palm down Callie's arm. "I've got this."

"Mommy needs more than a bloody shower, she needs a vodka," Callie muttered, throwing her hands up and disappearing quickly into the bathroom, closing the door heavily with hope of drowning out the battle that would surely pursue.

"You hear that?" Arizona spoke quickly, walking towards the kitchen with one arm still tightly holding the irrational child against her body as she stepped over various clean dishes on the floor. "You're turning your Mother into an alcoholic. We don't want that now do we? You're going to end up in military school by the time you're thirteen at this rate. Or more likely living with your Father, then you'd be able to run amok. Mommy's never going to get a sibling for you unless find that halo you had when you were a baby."

Sofia continued her unrelenting struggle, fighting the inevitable outcome. A similar fight occurred most nights, although it was always worse when bedtime was delayed, usually because one of them had been caught up at work and dinner was later than usual. Arizona worked at filling a bottle with milk from the carton in the fridge, singlehandedly attempting to loosen and secure the cap. It was one of the only soothing strategies that worked, a bottle or sipper cup of milk before nap or bedtime and always an old tattered small pink blanket with an elephant in the middle that would be tucked under one arm. _Effy_ as Sofia would say, reminiscent of her first attempts at verballing the word 'elephant'. "Right then," Arizona muttered, catching another kick to the stomach. "It's definitely time for bed Miss Devil Incarnate."

"No," Sofia said firmly as Arizona twisted her around so she was resting on her hip and she struggled not to express a small smile. Sofia's expression was an exact replica of Callie when she got mad, eyes wide and staring, lips pursed and shoulders raised, her face was stained with tears.

"You want your bottle?" Arizona asked, twisting the top on underneath Sofia before holding it up and front of her. She immediately reached for it, tugging it to her chest and gripping it in her small arm. "Thanks?"

Sofia hesitated slightly, staring directly into Arizona's eyes. "Tanks," she eventually muttered, suddenly smiling.

Arizona cast her eyes to the ceiling as she walked towards Sofia's room, releasing a long and controlled breath. Nothing like the patience test of a child, and their impossible ability to move from untamed to agreeable in two seconds flat. She settled Sofia quickly onto her bed, simultaneously sliding her security blanket from under the pillow and checking her diaper to see if it needed changing. The bottle was quickly in Sofia's mouth as she lay back drinking the cool liquid whilst Arizona tucked her tightly in and extended the protective side rail. The child followed Arizona intently with her eyes, though they glassed quickly and her eyelids became heavy resulting in long blinks. Sitting on the floor beside the bed, Arizona hummed quietly, reaching out and patting her tummy lightly.

Ten minutes passed and the empty bottle slid on to the pillow and to the mattress, Sofia's eyes fluttering with an incomprehensible muttering of words and sounds being emitted from her mouth. Arizona continued to rhythmically tap her palm to Sofia's tummy, predictably humming the same tune for a few more minutes until she became unmoving and silent. Slowly, she withdrew her hand and quietly rose to her feet, carefully taking the bottle and tiptoeing out of her room and pulling the door almost closed. Callie met her in the kitchen, towel dried hair against her neck and dressed in a loose camisole and cotton boyshorts as she collected items from the floor. "You don't need to do that," Arizona said softly.

"Oh it's fine. My shower calmed me down; any idea how something so damn gorgeous can be so indignant?"

Arizona grinned, grabbing a few remaining items from the dishwasher and putting them in their rightful position. "I have a few ideas," she answered, laughing. "Just remember, we want her to be like this when she's older, strong-willed and confident."

"Mmmm, did I not tick that box for when she's twenty-one rather than two?"

They both laughed quietly, moving instinctively around the kitchen in a familiar dance like action. A few minutes later and the floor and benches were clean with the dishwasher closed and child locked. "I'm so tired," Arizona murmured, flicking light switches until darkness enveloped them and they padded softly to their bedroom. Callie nodded her agreement, starting to bundle up the mass of journals and articles left discarded on the bed whilst Arizona moved towards the bathroom, brushing her teeth with the door open.

"Have you actually managed to find anything yet?"

Arizona shook her head, leaning forward to spit toothpaste into the basin. "No, unfortunately. I can't find a trial protocol or even a suggestion at something that might work."

"She'll die?"

"She'll die, and soon."

Callie glanced empathetically at Arizona, biting her bottom lip sadly. "I'm sorry."

Arizona shrugged, tossing water over her face and patting her skin with a hand towel. "I'm going to tell them tomorrow that there's nothing more I can do. She's been on my ward for half her life, what do I do? Send them home with her?"

"If they want to, I guess," Callie slid herself under the covers and repositioned her pillow to rest sitting back. "I don't know, how long will she have?"

Arizona changed quickly, pushing her jeans off her hips and replacing her shirt with a loose old jersey of Callie's. "Days I suppose, maybe weeks, but I doubt it. She wouldn't survive another surgery and it wouldn't achieve anything anyway."

"You know there's nothing you can do, right?" Arizona quietly ignored the question and pushed the bathroom door closed briefly, opening it seconds after the toilet flushed. She flicked the light and padded barefoot across the room, slipping into bed. "Right, Arizona?" Callie repeated.

"Yes, Calliope; I know." And she did know, but being cognitively aware of something isn't the same as being emotionally okay with it. Intellectually, she knew her limitations as a surgeon, as a doctor. But what people failed to understand, was that it was all good in theory but when you stood across from crying parents or had a little girl who could hardly move, tug you in so that she could touch your 'goldilocks hair', the practice was so much more difficult.

"It's not like you didn't try, I mean, you've spent every spare minute looking at options. We've barely seen you in weeks."

Arizona nodded slowly. "Sorry," she muttered, curling on to her side and slipping her hand into Callie's. She felt so torn sometimes, between the pressure at work and her own family. It was something she hadn't considered when she had finally accepted the idea of having children. She thought she could manage the fear and the protectiveness, the obvious consequence of having children die under her knife. The guilt though, that came as a confronting surprise; the odd feeling of relief and almost shame, of having her own very healthy little girl at home. A little girl that had too much energy and too much fire; it was such a different world to that which she was immersed in during working hours.

Callie squeezed her hand gently, releasing the pressure and entwining their fingers. "Oh it's fine, really. I just miss you; I like it when you share the horror nights, makes it a little less traumatic for all involved." She smiled, rolling her head to the side and pressing a kiss into Arizona's hair. She narrowed her eyes at the slight red mark under Arizona's eye, just a tiny pink tinge to the pale skin. "We do need a bit of a behaviour plan though I think, well, maybe not a behaviour plan but still, something about how we're going to do consequences. And Mark needs to be told too, he just lets her tear up his place like a hurricane."

"Yeah, sure; there needs to be consistency. We already do the naughty mat, maybe we could do it more often or more structured. What else is there?"

Callie stared at the ceiling quietly, working on how to articulate her next question whilst Arizona stared at her expectantly. "Where do you sit on smacking?" she asked softly.

Callie heard Arizona's breathing hitch slightly and her thumb that was stroking against the back of her hand halted movement for a few seconds. "Ummm," she started hesitantly, forehead creased. "I'm not really a fan." The sentence failed to convey her real opinion, which was an overt and definite objection to any form of corporal punishment. "You?"

Shrugging, Callie hesitated again, considering her words carefully. "I'm definitely not into you know, anything full on; it doesn't teach them anything. But I was talking to Dad and he said he gave us the occasional smack, especially for things like trying to touch a hot stove or oven. I feel like Sofia is going to get hurt because she's so adventurous – always climbing on furniture or getting into the kitchen. I can't think of another way to show her, in the moment, that something is dangerous."

"Do you remember it?"

"Kind of, I can only think of a handful of occasions. I think the last was when I was a teenager and Dad found a packet of cigarettes in my school bag, he chased me around the house with Mom's wooden spoon. I'm fairly sure I deserved it," Callie answered, laughing lightly. "First and last packet I ever bought too, mind you. What about you? Weren't you brought up to be able to defend yourself, throw punches and all that? Surely with 'The Colonel'…"

Arizona sighed and fidgeted, stretching her legs out and curling them back up. She was tired and had an emotionally draining day awaiting her tomorrow so her interest in having an in-depth conversation with Callie over the pros and cons of disciplining options was negligible. It also meant revisiting her past, her childhood, and disclosing to her wife, the imperfections that she had finally accepted and integrated. Her father had been incredible in so many ways, accepting of her sexuality, encouraging of her career choice and insanely protective; but he was a hard man who had an inability to accept mistakes, from himself or his children. His expectations were superbly high and his tolerance for weakness or falling below the bar, was almost completely absent. He had raised his children to be someone, to be more than they thought possible, and he had been unrelenting in his efforts. Arizona had accepted long ago, that his means had their origins firmly planted in love and hope; there was no lack of control or wild emotion in his actions, everything about him was deliberate and planned. The behaviour however, she didn't accept and the laying of a hand on her impressionable little girl wasn't something she was willing to consider.

"Hey – I know you're sleepy, I didn't mean to raise this now. I'm just frustrated and out of options." Callie had stared for minutes at Arizona as she clearly processed a rush of thoughts, her expression flashing chaotically.

The comment brought her quickly back to the present where she met Callie's concerned eyes. "I don't want anyone, including us, lashing out when we're angry," Arizona articulated carefully and controlled.

Nodding, Callie tugged at Arizona's hand and draped it over her stomach, pressing a number of kisses to her forehead in quick succession. Arizona had her cheek almost resting on Callie's shoulder, so her warm breath spread over her skin. "Enough said," Callie acknowledged, laying her arm and hand so that it shadowed Arizona's across her body.

With blond hair falling loosely across her face, Arizona dipped her face to press into Callie's shoulder, closing her eyes and moving her body so that it leant heavily against Callie's side. "Good," she responded, almost inaudibly.

They lay silently for a few minutes before Callie's reached out and switched the bedside lamp off, leaving a heavy darkness to suddenly cloak the room. Moving the same hand across her body, she ran her fingers into Arizona's hair and scratched lightly at her scalp. "All good?" she asked and felt a slight nod against her shoulder in response. "I'm not sure that's the best position to sleep in…" Hearing a soft chuckle, she continued to knead her fingers through Arizona's hair, rubbing at her neck and the base of her skull.

A few more minutes passed before Arizona rotated her hand that was wrapped around Callie's stomach and gripped her forearm. She rolled her body, her eyes following the faint light that ran across the ceiling, infiltrating the corners of the blockout curtains they used to cover the window. She pressed her back firmly into Callie's chest, a tight hold still on the arm she had pulled with her. Callie keenly moulded into the contours of Arizona's body, snaking herself to shadow her legs and press her hips against the Arizona's buttocks. "Thanks," Arizona whispered, feeling Callie tighten her grip and press her lips against the exposed skin of her shoulder, just above the neckline of her loose shirt.

"I'll never hurt her," she said gently after a long silence, sleep starting to drift over them both.

Arizona slowly released a long breath, her spine expanding. "I know."

"Good."

"I'll explain," Arizona murmured after another few minutes of comfortable and peaceful quietness, her eyes closed and body relaxed. "Just not tonight."

Callie smiled, her lips curling to lightly kiss the skin she was resting against. "I know," she responded before drifting to sleep, contentedly inhaling the delicious aroma of the blond hair that shared her pillow.

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><p><strong>TBC…<strong>

**Apologies for any typos or errors that weren't picked up with my proofread. I really need to self-beta at an earlier hour. Thanks to the reader who picked up on my mis-spelling of 'Sofia' in a previous fic, I go completely oblivious to some details sometimes! **

**Cheers.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2/2**

**AN:**Sorry for the delay in getting the final part of this up! But thank you for the reviews and story alerts, I hope you're still keen to read this after a few weeks of no updates. Anyway, it ended up a little more angsty than I envisaged, I don't how that happens sometimes. I tend to end up somewhere where I didn't intend on going, but hopefully it's still enjoyable to read. :-)

Thanks for reading.

**XXXX**

There's little worse than the sound of a pager, emitting unrelenting consecutive beeps in the early hours of the morning. Right at the time when most people are finally managing to catch a few hours of deep sleep, the sound infiltrates with the tenderness of a sledgehammer. Most on call hospital staff have a strategy for managing the horrific experience of being jerked awake and Callie and Arizona were no different. Their pagers were placed across the room, just before they settled in to bed. Usually they were placed in the pocket of a bag but occasionally, Arizona would pile a jacket or cushion over the top of them, just enough to dull the noise that would potentially wake them in anything from a few minutes to a few hours.

Still, there was a phenomenon that was far crueller than actually receiving a page; like it or not, there's something worthwhile about dragging yourself out of bed and finding an urgent trauma respond message or a 911. More horrific though, was getting out of bed, heart thumping at being jolted out of a dream only to find a completely blank screen. Nothing but the time and date.

Which is exactly where Arizona found herself, holding both her and Callie's pagers in her hands, pressing buttons and rubbing at her eyes trying to clear her vision. A glance back to the digital clock on Callie's side of the bed showed the time to be 03:19 and although her wife was stirring, her eyes were still tightly closed with dark hair twisted and knotted across her face. It took another few seconds for Arizona to convince herself that neither of them were urgently needed at the hospital before she frustratingly took the few steps back to the bed.

"What are you doing?" Callie asked, blindly patting at Arizona as she slid under the covers and fell back onto her pillow, shaking her head towards the ceiling. Refusing to open her eyes, Callie felt her way over Arizona's arm and stomach until her hand came to rest on her hip, forearm lightly draped across her pelvis.

Arizona sighed, a long exasperated growl being released as she exhaled. "I think I dreamt the stupid pager went off. I swear I heard it."

Callie laughed silently, her shoulders moving slightly. "No messages?"

"Nope, nothing. Seriously, can we not even get sleep when we're not being called in?"

"Just close your eyes," Callie murmured, dismissing the blonde's obvious frustration. "Before one actually goes off."

"I'm wide awake now," Arizona complained, body tense and fidgeting in irritation. Callie laughed lightly, finally opening her eyes and shuffling closer so she shared the blonde's pillow. "Don't laugh at me, you did it once too."

"I know, I'm not laughing at you. Just with you."

"I don't think I'm laughing so much."

"I've told you the story of Christina and the pay phone right?" Arizona shook her head in the darkness, kicking at the duvet until her foot slipped out the side, attempting to regulate her temperature. "I woke up to her fumbling at the door, she had been outside to use the phone on the street to call emergency, because she had dreamt none of the phones in the apartment worked. Honestly, I've never laughed so hard. Couldn't have happened to a better person!"

Arizona chuckled lightly, rubbing at her eyes and pushing hair back from her forehead. "And what, she had no idea?"

"Oh no, by the time she came back she knew; it just made perfect sense when she was completely out cold in the middle of the night and had a non emergent page…I would have loved to have seen her face when she realised."

"Hilarious."

"Anymore stories needed or are you actually going to relax and go back to sleep?"

They had each been chaotically busy for a few days, long hours at the hospital and short, interrupted nights at home. A high-speed pile up meant multi-traumas had inundated the ER and days of constant surgeries for Callie. Arizona had been focussed on the little girl on her ward, several family meetings needed before a consensus was reached – there would be no more surgeries. They had tried to get her home, but her parents had brought her back only hours later, distressed by some mild shortness of breath and breakthrough pain. She was slowly dying, most hours of the day spent drowsy and barely rousable, just a few moments of lucidity for her already grieving parents to hold on to.

The past four days had brought exhaustion fuelled sleep but relaxation? No; definitely not. "Doesn't sleep seem like a foreign concept at the moment? It's been a crazy week."

"Mmmm," Callie murmured in agreement, rolling her head against the pillow to press a lingering kiss to Arizona's cheek. She pursed her lips and held them against the smooth skin for a few seconds, inhaling through her nose before separating her lips into a quiet kiss and settling back. "Guess so. Busy week, hey?"

Arizona nodded into the darkness, finding Callie's arm across her hip and curling both of her palms against the tight forearm. They both had exceptionally toned arms; the fine motor skills required of a surgeon meant the usually weak muscles were strong and taut. They would all make good rock-climbers should their acclaimed careers ever fail. "I can't believe Sofia slept through last night, I wasn't even here to appreciate it."

"Miracle, really. That child's stubbornness is going to be the end of us."

"She's so you, you know that right?" Arizona said, tone light while her thumbs began slow, deliberate circular patterns.

Callie exaggeratedly huffed, shrugging her shoulders. "Yeah, perhaps. The temper and lack of tolerance, for sure."

Laughing, Arizona let her head fall so her forehead rested against Callie's temple, her heart rate finally slowing enough to allow her to relax slightly. "And perhaps her absolute cuteness, not to mention a fiercely protective streak, did you see the death stare she gave Mark when he dropped that glass at my feet?"

Callie rolled her eyes, she didn't mention the fact that she had accidently let a few expletives escape under her breath as she was forced to clean up the mess whilst Arizona stood barefoot and unmoving amongst the glass, with Sofia held securely to her hip. The toddler had watched the scene intently; waving hesitantly whilst one arm held tightly to Arizona's neck when Mark was ushered out the door and Callie continued to mutter. She had insisted on sitting on Arizona's lap on the sofa, uncharacteristically quiet until the mention of icecream drew her suddenly away, eyes wide as she slid to the floor and rushed to her highchair. "It wasn't just Mark she gave the evil eye to, she wasn't letting you out of her sight until I bribed her with chocolate sprinkles."

"She was confused, she thought you and Mark were angry at me. She knew which side to pick."

Callie grinned, tugging at Arizona's hip to press their bodies closer together. "We have to look after our blond haired, blue eyed Mama; all little and innocent."

"What?" Arizona asked in fake defiance, her silent laughs quickly betraying her efforts. Sofia had only recently started looking intensely between them when they were playing with her or lazing out on the floor together. She would hold her index finger up and point to each of their eyes and hair; as if trying to conceptualise. Sometimes she would bundle a handful of Callie's hair in her small fist and declare, _Sofia__'__s __hair._ Arizona would predictably smile and nod, _just __like __Mommy__'__s __hair; __Sofia__'__s __just __like __Mommy. _There was always the smallest hint of sadness that could creep into Arizona's expression when she least expected it, the tiniest reminder that Sofia bore no biological connection to her. She had long since made her peace, but as time progressed she started to desire a tiny human, with blond curls and haunting blue eyes.

Then she went to work and the wish vanished. Life was never simple.

"Really? I need looking after, hey?" Arizona eventually responded, aware that she had taken just a little too long to answer.

Callie nodded eagerly, slipping a leg to drape over Arizona's. "Oh yeah, absolutely. You're ours I'm afraid; I pity anyone who tries to get through Sofia and I." Arizona grinned into the night though her satisfaction went unnoticed in the darkness. A few minutes passed in silence, their bodies still with the exception of gentle fingers tracing patterns against skin. "Sleepy?" Callie asked eventually, though she earned only a shrug in response. "No?"

"You go back to sleep," Arizona instructed. "I'm good."

"But not sleepy?" Callie repeated.

"Nah, but it's okay. I'm very happy lying here; not a chance I'm getting up."

"You don't sleep well enough, you make a terrible shift worker."

"I know, I've always been a crappy sleeper. Even when I was a kid, Mom would have to drag Tim up for school but I had always been awake for ages."

"I can sleep anywhere, an hour between surgeries; a nap sitting in a chair at triage."

"Through a movie…in a cab…on the floor…" Arizona added with a small chuckle.

Callie pressed her fingers into Arizona's side, earning a brief squirm. "Hey, play nice. You're just jealous," she teased.

"Shhh, go back to sleep."

They lapsed back into silence, aware of each other's conscious state by the gentle, rhythmic movements of their hands and fingers. They did it without really thinking; just the slightest of movements that seemed to send a simple message, though it varied given the circumstances. The open palm that would linger lightly over the small of the back at work, the lightest of pressure against the synthetic material of hospital scrubs. Out to dinner or drinks and it was the fingers that would curl against each other, locking together at the knuckles.

"We need a vacation," Callie mumbled randomly, feeling Arizona startle slightly under her at the sudden noise. "Sorry."

"Sounds great to me, though I'm not sure I can get leave until later in the year."

"Me neither, but it's good to fantasise."

Arizona laughed lightly. "How about a long weekend somewhere, we could take Sofia to the beach. Or a vineyard, I suspect she would enjoy the beach more though," she joked.

"We could go visit your parents, we haven't seen them in ages – what's it been? Over a year…almost two?"

"Why? We could go visit your parents too, you know."

"Yeah we could, but your parents tend to be actually enjoy seeing both of us – together. My mother is still pretending that my existence is some kind of fictional story."

Arizona shrugged, shifting her hips under Callie's hand. "I don't know, surely the ocean and sand is far more appealing."

"Have you talked to them lately?"

Sighing heavily, Arizona again squirmed and kicked at the sheets around her feet. "You should be sleeping, Calliope." It was a poor attempt at diverting the conversation and the intent didn't go unnoticed as Callie rolled her head off the pillow and moved her elbow to hold her upper body up.

"You know when I first met you, you would talk to your Mom almost every day. I used to think it was so strange."

"Callie."

"Nope, don't 'Callie' me, you've been far too avoidant lately. What's going on?"

"You're going to give me the Spanish inquisition over when I last spoke with my parents? When was the last time you spoke with your Mom?" Arizona felt her face flush, as she changed her strategy, not even consciously aware but not wanting to answer what Callie was curiously exploring. So much had changed for her when Sofia rushed into their lives and so much of it, she hadn't even tried to address. When she thought about it, she felt completely overwhelmed so she didn't. Didn't think about it. She didn't think about Sofia's conception; the dream that she had to reconstruct just so that she could live each day, with a man in her life that she had forced herself to tolerate. She didn't think about her parents or the harsh words they had muttered to her, just a few days before her wedding; how compromised she felt in keeping up the façade when her father walked her down the aisle. She didn't think about her brother, how he would have chased Sofia around a park for hours and then after putting her to bed, he would have poured her a glass of wine and read her mind. He would have told her that she was so much better than this, that she had moved past the fiercely self protective woman, who built walls so thick and high that no one could nudge inside.

"You might recall my mother Arizona, she was the crazy one that didn't attend our wedding; the one that has never held our daughter. And for the record, I spoke with my father two days ago, Mom has a throat infection of which I suggested which antibiotic would help and got filled in on the details of the latest imbecilic loser my sister has been dating." Callie sighed heavily, disappointed by how quickly Arizona had skilfully distracted her. It was hardly the hour for in-depth discussions, but they so rarely had time together. Callie had gradually noticed small things, little comments that Arizona would make or the distracted look she get occasionally. But with their chaotic lives, it was so easy to forget or just let the small things slide. The big issues they could fight about or negotiate over, but more often than not, the little things probably had the biggest meaning in their lives yet they were left unsaid.

"How about we just drop it and go back to sleep," Arizona suggested quietly, removing Callie's arm from her stomach and curling on to her side. She pushed at her pillow, positioning it under her neck, facing Callie but keeping her eyes fixated on the sheets.

"Don't shut down from me; when you disappear we have trouble. And I don't want us to have trouble," Callie whispered after spending a few seconds trying to phrase herself carefully. "A few days ago you did this – isn't it better when we actually talk?" She kept herself propped up, using her free hand to trace the contour of Arizona's jaw.

"Of course, it's not like I can say that we shouldn't. And we do, we communicate well don't we? Anything with Sofia or work."

"Yeah for sure. Anything but you, we talk about anything but you." A slight sarcasm edged into Callie's tone though she gently stroked Arizona's cheek in an effort to soften the unintentional blow. It was one of the worst things she could do, trying to corner Arizona; she would just feel trapped and the response would be to withdraw further. She would play the superficial game for a few days, but the smiles wouldn't meet her eyes and her affection wouldn't extend past a chaste kiss. And then things would be okay; the events forgotten but not addressed.

Arizona arched her back and pressed her head into the pillow, her eyes wide and directed to the slight light across the ceiling. "If you have something to say Calliope, say it. I was just checking our pagers and then suddenly you're attacking me over what? Not being emotionally available? I think I missed a few steps."

"That's not what I said…at all. Come on," Callie pleaded quietly, lowering her arm to rest over Arizona's chest, her fingers curled against her collarbone. She leaned forward and pressed a prolonged kiss to Arizona's lips, relieved when it was returned. Repeating her action from earlier, she pushed herself closer until her cheek could rest onto the curve of her wife's shoulder, blond hair mixing with brown.

"Sorry. Does it help if I know I'm being defensive?" Arizona asked sheepishly, the oscillation between emotions exhausting, though like most people, the exterior simply created a distraction from the reality. They lay in silence again, minutes having passed when Arizona traced her fingers along Callie's arm and slipped their fingers together. "He said I failed," she eventually said in a rush of air, licking her lips.

Callie waited momentarily, searching her mind for the connecting pieces, unsure if she was meant to comprehend the meaning behind the words. "I'm not sure I'm following," she prompted when Arizona didn't elaborate.

"Before our wedding, he said I failed. It's not like your Mom, it's not about your gender."

"Your Dad thinks you failed by marrying me?"

"I didn't want you to know, I didn't want you to think that I in any way share his ridiculous opinion."

"I'm not good enough for you?"

Arizona sighed, there was a reason she had kept this to herself for so long. "He's just, well, he just lives by strict rules, Calliope. In his world, I would get married and we would have his grandchild; there's so much that he hasn't had control over and he's frustrated."

"Oh…this is about Sofia?" Sometimes Callie felt like she was trying to put pieces of a puzzle together. Arizona had an uncanny ability to give half pieces of information and hope that Callie could draw the correct conclusions without her actually having to articulate it. Still, she persisted; if she didn't, the moment could be so quickly lost. She had been there before.

"Sort of, I guess. It's about Mark and you; and about how he thought I would live my life. He had our entire lives mapped out, from the moment we were born and it's screwed up in so many ways."

"He didn't want you to marry me."

"No." Arizona squeezed Callie's hand tightly, tears trickling from her eyes and over her temples, mixing with her tangled hair.

"What did he say to you?" Callie knew that Arizona was quietly crying, but she was almost frozen, glued to the information and petrified that any movement would halt the sudden disclosure.

Arizona shook her head. "It doesn't matter, really. It's his opinion, his stupid need for this perfect image of a perfect life."

"Yeah, but what did he say to you?"

"He just went on about Tim and how he would have made such an awesome father; how he would have given him a grandchild and carried on the whole family name thing."

"And that you were doing it wrong?"

"Yeah. He's just angry that I didn't do what he had conceptualised; he offered to pay for me to go back to Africa if I didn't marry you and didn't have a part of Sofia's life."

Callie exhaled loudly, laughing almost in disbelief. "Bloody hell."

"I'm so angry at him, you know. The way he raised us – Tim and I, we were strong and successful but we were only like that because we were _scared_. He doesn't get to tell me who to call my child when he was far from perfect."

"What would Tim have said about it all?"

Arizona chuckled lightly, breathing slowly to contain her emotion. "He probably would have said _screw __him_, or some variation of a profanity. When he was deployed, Tim's only issue was that we wouldn't be able to talk every week and debrief over Dad. He was worried that he wouldn't be here for me, though he never considered he wouldn't come back. He understood that weird family dynamic we have; typical military family hey? Such a cover of an alliance, we were so well trained – it's hard to explain."

Callie nodded against Arizona's chest, pressing a kiss to the curve of her breast. "You guys moved so much, I guess it was so different to my upbringing. You know, millions of cousins and random family members constantly around. There were just the four of you."

"Just Tim and I really. He would have loved Sofia, would have been here as often as he could, spoiling her."

As if on cue, the baby monitor they still used for Sofia, exhibited a brief loud and high-pitched cry before falling quickly quiet again. They both waited anxiously, unmoving, as if that would help soothe the child back to sleep. They were greeted with success. "Mmm," Callie murmured. "I think she's going to be a sleep talker, she's just started calling out in her sleep."

"Nightmares?" Arizona questioned.

"Maybe – just like her Mama," Callie teased gently, gripping her hand tightly. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Now you ask?"

"I was trying to be nice!"

"Yes, Calliope, ask away."

"Your Dad was pretty violent, yeah?"

Arizona drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. "It's hard to explain."

"Try?"

"He…he treated us like we were one of his personnel; if we broke a rule, there were consequences. It wasn't like he would suddenly snap; we would know what and when our punishment would be. Present to the office at 16:00 for fifty push-ups and we knew there would be a massive wooden ruler being hit against our back for the number of times we fell short of fifty."

"My God…"

"Not getting an 'A' at school, not making the track team, forgetting to take the rubbish out, leaving a shirt on the floor – you get the picture."

"How was he possibly accepting of your sexuality?" Callie asked in amazement.

"They always knew; pre-empted it I suppose. They knew before I did, forewarned is forearmed if you ask my Father."

"It just sounds, I don't know what the right word is. Horrific. Awful," Callie whispered.

"It wasn't always and we all have pasts. Most of us have something crappy."

"I think you've had your fair share, Arizona." Callie's voice was soft and she had some awareness that the enigma that was Arizona's childhood would only slowly be revealed; probably over decades. "I meant what I said the other night, I won't ever hit Sofia."

A fresh swell of tears filled Arizona's eyes. "I know it's not all or nothing, but on this. Can it just be on this?" Her voice was strained, the words pushed out with an almost tortured roughness.

"Yes. A million times over, yes." Callie moved awkwardly, shuffling up the bed in an effort to tug Arizona into her body. She reached for the thick duvet and pulled it higher on their bodies, enveloping Arizona with a rush of light kisses to the edge of her eye, wetness under her lips.

Arizona slowly relaxed into her, taking a fistful of Callie's shirt into her grasp. "I miss them, I miss Tim. I feel so…" she trailed off, shrugging and pressing her forehead into the edge of Callie's armpit. _So_ _alone_.

"I know. But Sofia and I, we've got your back. And we're not going anywhere."

Arizona shuddered slightly, crying quietly. "Good," she eventually said, repeating her sentiment from a few days prior.

Sometimes the weight feels so much lighter when it's shared. And sometimes, people are stronger than they are given credit for, they don't stumble or falter under the pressure, the heaviness. They just stand taller and hold on tighter.

**XXXX**

_Fin._


End file.
